About friends.

While I don't often get very personal on here I wan't to talk briefly about how I'm a pretty unfriendly person. I've been having a hard time articulating this, and my desire to get it out is just about overpowering my anxiety at who might read it.

I'm not generally (too) unpleasant or mean. I don't drive people away, I just don't build many strong friendships. I get along with almost anyone but that's not the same thing. I do have friends, obviously (chances are if you're reading this you're one of them — thanks, by the way), but the kind of friends that you'd help dispose of a body? Only a few. Hyperbole aside I'm pretty reclusive; my friendships through my childhood were generally sort of abusive and when I was removed from an environment that necessitated those friendships to get through the day (school) I stopped making friends. I moved 130 miles away from where I grew up and I've never spoken to any of the people I left behind since (except for family) and I don't feel bad about it. There have always been people around me that I would consider friends in the broad and honest way; people I can count on to help with things, that I can socialise with, but often friendships of association. I'm grateful for them but still they are held at a comfortable distance and I tend not to be very good at engaging with them regularly. If it weren't for my partner I would barely socialise at all, honestly.

So when there's a friend that I talk to every day, even when it might be just a couple of text messages in the morning when I'm trying to ignore my commute, it's a different kind of thing. It's something that I never really experienced at all until I was pretty much thirty years old (well now I wrote that out I feel a little freaked out). I don't talk about my shit with anyone really; there's my partner and that's pretty much as far as the heavy stuff goes. Except that hasn't really been true for the last couple of years — I have a confidant, and it's kinda awesome.

The thing that's perhaps a little unusual is that this individual lives about four hours away and our communication has been entirely electronic. Not exactly conducive to regular games of Mario Kart (which is good because he'd kick my ass all day). I got to meet this guy in the actual flesh for the first time this weekend just passed, and you can probably guess that this was a really big deal. More importantly we're still talking, which my irrational anxiety had called into question for pretty much the entire four hour journey before hand. I'm still smiling about it — at least on the inside.

I don't have a grand life affirming message to impart, and I really don't require pity for some perception of my prior loneliness. I have for years been surrounded by some of the most excellent human beings that I consider myself beyond fortunate to know. People smarter than me, wiser than me, and kinder than me. I have people in my life that will go out of their way to support me and have proven it. This particular case though is outside my comfort zone, past years of habitual self-preservation and, at least for me, quite remarkable.

Dealing with change.

A little Apple Music.